Friday, January 1, 2010

A Dark Mossy Park

Friday Flash Fiction

At the end of a long and winding road was a dark, mossy picnic spot in the rain forest. From the loan picnic table you could feel the moisture in the air splashing horizontally from the waterfall. You could hear the gushing water spilling over the rapids. You could see the birds singing a fragrant tune.


Lola sat, at that lone picnic table, saturating her senses, wanting to be washed over by nature. All that she’d put into her body, all that she’d spewed up over the past year. She was wiping the slate clean. It was a fresh start year.

Another car pull up, parking in the car park. Lola swayed between running into the bushes or back to her own car. There had been many murders in this park, and now she wished she’d brought her dog with her, her Mum, Grandma - anyone.
 What was she thinking coming out here alone? Freedom. That is what she wanted. Freedom from substances, freedom from people addiction and free to be.
 Lola didn’t move, she sat frozen and watched the cloaked body step out of the car. The tall object walked straight towards her. Fear fled from her like water down the waterfall.


If she was to be the next victim, she would still find her freedom.

23 comments:

  1. What a fascinating embrace of the end as a beginning. A nice, tight little piece.

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  2. Great story. I think freedom's important, however you find it.

    Happy New Year!!

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  3. A wonderful, creepy little story! :)
    Small note - on the table I think you meant 'lone' not loan.

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  4. Delightful little tale. The first sentence in paragraph three doesn't read quite right . . .
    Perhaps: "Another car pulled up in the car park."
    Nice message to the story!
    Happy New Year

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  5. This leaves a lot of questions in a way that's very compelling. I liked Lola a lot and that surprised me for such a short piece. My one bit of criticism is perhaps putting Lola in the first paragraph and rather than saying YOU could hear the water and YOU feel the moisture, say Lola hears the water and she feels the moisture. I think that might go a long way in getting the reader involved with the story and the character more quickly.

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  6. Oh, one other thing I forgot to include. Loan in the first and second para, should read lone.

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  7. Although I Know you are already living in my next year,,,

    May the New Year make all your wished come true!

    Happy 2010!***

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  8. Tony, Sam and Dulce - thank you
    Olivia and Laura - thanks for reading - I've fixed loan/lone
    Louise thankyou for taking time to comment - I've added a word, hope it reads better now.
    Olivia - thanks for commenting - I did want that first para to read that way - maybe I just didn't do it well. I appreciate you feedback. xx

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  9. Tense and emotional. The choice of second-person in the first paragraph is interesting; nice how it breaks it apart from the character--could also achieve with description alone--and tries to pull reader in, which is difficult sometimes resulting in building a wall instead. It's brief enough not to become jarring, but I think straight description might be stronger. Tough call, and I support your decision. It works as it is.

    I enjoyed it.
    -David G Shrock

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  10. Karen, thanks for reading.

    David thank you so much for your feed back. I am loving fridayflash - it's like being part of a writing group - somthing I've always wanted to do. It's great to have imput and see what works and what doesn't.

    xx

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  11. I liked how simple and succinct this way. The ending wrapped up her state of mind perfectly.

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  12. Thank you all for dropping by and leaving a comment - I really do appreciate your words.

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  13. I write but not well... I found myself waiting for her to be killed.. That must mean I read way to much J.D Robb..

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  14. Good tension. Interesting. I think the last line wraps it up nicely.

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  15. Really liked your ending. It's like a sigh of relief, knowing that freedom will come.

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  16. Mwah Mwah Mwah! Thank you all for reading!
    You know, a little after note from me... the writer. I was yelling at Lola - 'Run! Run! Don't be the victim' but she had a mind of her own.
    So those of you with thoughts on her finding her freedom are very interesting to the writing...

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  17. Delightfully Creepy and a wonderful bit of optimisim from the MC at the end

    Good Stuff

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  18. I enjoyed your suspense and cool ending!

    I'm big on Freedom and was cheering for her even in her doomed circumstance!

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  19. I found myself wanting her to achieve her freedom after passing all her hurdles of life. Great Piece.

    http://timremp.blogspot.com/

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  20. I really liked this. I can't tell if Lola is having an epiphany or a mental breakdown.

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