Thursday, December 10, 2009

First Date

FridayFlash - Fiction
WARNING… Contains Adult Content


Susie was so excited. She’d been asked out on a date by Ross who worked in the office one floor below her. She showered using her White Diamonds shower gel then layered the effect with White Diamonds moisturizer and a squirt of perfume. Grabbing her hair from beside her eyes she twisted it towards the back fastening loosely with a flower clip. She was ready; the reflection looking back was ready for her first ever real date and perhaps her first boyfriend.

 
Ross arrived 20 minutes late.


‘Boy you sure have some perfume on.’ He said winding his window down while driving. Susie wasn’t sure how to take his comment and wished he’d left the window up, her hair twists were blowing out. Once in the city centre he took her to a café down a dark ally. Susie had never been in this part of town before, everyone wore black, had dreadlocks, and were studded with metal. They sat on cushions at a coffee table with menus. It was a dark, smoky, incense filled, multiple room vegetarian café with beads draped in the doorways and graffiti type pictures around the walls. She looked at the menu horrified at the lack substantial food choices. Ross lit a cigarette. Susie tried not to show her disgust, inside she churned. She was uncomfortable, insecure and awkward.

‘So they tell me you like Madonna,’ she said.


‘Sure’


‘Holida-ay,’ she sang.


Ross curled a corner of his lip so she could almost see his teeth, it melted her heart.


‘You could be my lucky sta-ar. Oh yeah and Borderline, you just keep on pushing me to the Borderline,’ she hoped the tune and words were right. Susie’s eyes focused into the menu, her face wouldn’t relax, the corners of her mouth curled towards her cheek bones.


‘You sure like to sing.’ Ross looked through the dangling beads, ‘What do you want to eat?’


‘Ah, I’m not that hungry.’ She closed the menu then sprang back into song. ‘Papa don’t preach, I’m in trouble deep. Cause we are liv-vin in a material world, and I am a material girl, ya know…’


‘Yes, could we please have a plate of toasted pitas and dips to share?’ Ross cut Susie off when he caught the waiter’s attention.


‘What’s your favorite song?’


‘Don’t have a favourite.’


‘What about an album? Her self titled, Like a Virgin,’ Susie realized what she just said and blushed, then rushed on, ‘or um, True Blue, You Can Dance or um Who’s that Girl?’


‘Wow you really are a fan. I guess I got into her stuff when she put out her ‘Sex’ book.’


Susie was silent. What book, I haven’t heard of that, that sounds horrible.


‘You haven’t read it have you?’ he laughed, ‘You can come back after dinner and I’ll show you some of it.’


‘Ah, no thanks.’


‘After I found ‘Sex’, I really got into her music but the more moddern stuff like, Erotica, Bedtime Stories, Immaculate Collection.’


‘I don’t think I like where this is going.’


‘What? I’m answering your question about Madonna’s music.’


‘But you are… just…’


‘What?’


‘Talking a lot about sex and it’s just our first date!’


‘What is it with you? Are you stuck in the 80’s?’


‘No, I’m just a wholesome girl thank you very much and I’ll catch the bus home.’



18 comments:

  1. I enjoyed Susie's complex character - her "uncomfortable, insecure and awkward" nature, her naiveity, and her confidence in her own values.

    One pointer: Both Susie and Ross "curled" the "corner" of their lips - I would have liked them to have different expressions to convey differences in their characters.

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  2. I had to read this twice, and when I got the joke I cracked up. Good job. It's a funny! I think I got so distracted by the White Diamonds...Nice little piece here. Still smirking.

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  3. Thanks AWriter.
    David, you are right! I should have proofed it better.
    Thanks for your feed back

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  4. "Inside she churned"--great phrase, Michelle. I like Ms. White Diamonds' naivete (sp?), two people connected by something (Madonna), yet not really connected at all. I did want to know just the slightest bit about where they'd met and what brought these two together that night. Others may disagree and like the mystery.

    Thanks for another great read.

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  5. Hi Michelle,

    Nice blog :)

    I'd like to get in touch with you, could you please drop me an email?

    Thank you,

    Costa

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  6. Good for her for standing up for her values! :-) Cute little story here. Nice job!

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  7. Ya know, I'm not sure I fully got the joke here but it still made me smile. Maybe I just don't know enough about Madonna.

    Is the "white diamonds" relevant? I am so out of my depth here...

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  8. Kim, Elizabeth, Anton, thanks for reading and leaving comments - white diamonds - well I guess it was relevant to Susie...

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  9. Yeah, I could see where his mind was. Don't be fooled, girl!

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  10. Bravo for Susie holding to her morals, her values! Yay for a wholesome girl who isn't going to be suckered by song and album titles. They made it so clear which end of the spectrum they fell on.

    Good subtlety and I liked how fast Susie did an about-face. Nicely done! :)

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  11. They seemed to be about a decade apart on their musical tastes. :)

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  12. Is there an age difference with these two? The era identification with their respective Madonna's suggests so. Susie's reaction to his responses were very funny. Dialogue is a strength of this piece.

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  13. I enjoyed their communication through song. I had the compulsion to slap Ross for his snide comments, even in the beginning.
    I expected a little more to "exposure" with your Adult Content warning. I wonder what kind of warning I am gonna have to put on some of my stuff?;))
    Very funny!

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  14. I don't think I got the joke :(
    I kinda feel sorry for the girl...this could be the start of some kind of interesting coming-of-age adventure but she bails. :(
    And he's pretty much like any guy except maybe more honest about what he's looking for.

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  15. I think the warning was for Susie herself! Although I wouldn't want my 8 & 9 year olds to read this and I do greatly appreciate when friday flash's have a warning for this reason - my kids are often reading over my shoulder!
    Thank you all for reading even if you didn't quite get a giggle.
    xx

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  16. Sounds like a real clash of personas, I wonder what made him ask her out in the first place

    Good stuff

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  17. I think you did a great job of defining the characters in such a short piece. I must say I had an intense dislike for Ross from the beginning that intensified throughout. I like it when I feel something about a character, whether it be good or bad. I think if I was Susie, I would have bailed out at the walking down the dark ally point.

    On a constructive point, when I read the opening line it felt a little cliché. I know you were trying to pull the reader in with a punch line but it felt a little too common. Hungry is spelt wrong (and don’t worry, I’m an absolute shocker when it comes to proof reading my own work so feel free to correct me if I’m wrong). The only other thing I would say is I was a bit unsure about these two sentences:

    “Ross lit a cigarette. Susie tried not to show her disgust, inside she churned.”

    And then, “Ross curled a corner of his lip so she could almost see his teeth, it melted her heart.”

    I was feeling like Susie was heading in the direction of not liking him and there was no real chemistry there so the disgust sucked me in but then her heart melted at his smile and I felt confused.

    Thanks for sharing Michelle. The story certainly drew me in. Great job. I'm looking forward to reading some more.

    Kelly xx

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  18. I've always laughed at the hypocrisy of pop stars like Brittney Spears, and it all goes back to Madonna. Your tale captures very neatly the schizoid nature of this persona, only of course in a different way. It's more common, perhaps, to think of how these role models teach little girls, still innocent, to act like harlots.

    BTW, now that I know how you feel about 'adult content', if you should visit me again - and I hope you do - scan the page before you let your little ones look.

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